Thoughts
A torrent of overwhelming sadness has flooded my entire being of a sudden, and I can't say why or how or even what. I can always resort to pointing my accusatory finger at hormones, which do, more often than not, play a role in my moodiness, but more recently I've found my lack of sleep and increasing self-hatred to be the ready culprits. Lack of sleep...that's self-explanatory, really. But self-hatred? I've become one of those people I always laughed at--no, that I still do laugh at. The people with sculpted smiles and tears running down their lungs and they can't feel their shredded insides because the surgeon gave them too much anasthesia and only their eyes are working and that mouth, oh! that wicked mouth, that keeps smiling. The people who try because they want that elusive mark of approval from others--in fact, from anyone and everyone but themselves.---
I've always regarded a person's motives as the true indicator of his/her integrity and honor. Now I see my own detioriorating before my very own eyes, sinking beneath the torrent of falsehoods that is the blind opinion of my parents and my peers. How I loathe that word--peer! It speaks of equality, of brotherhood and sisterhood, in short, of another high and lofty man-made ideal that simply does not exist upon this despicable human-infested island.
---
I'm tired, and I have an AP Physics test tomorrow that I need to ace. But that I'm not going to.
