Oct. 27, 2005
I find it infinitely simpler to perceive mortality as yet another abstract man-made conception rather than reality. Label it the ignorant opinion of youth, if you will, but I'd like to delude myself into thinking it is a well-reasoned philosophy. After all, what is mortality? Even in death, people do not leave us but dwell on, sanctified and exalted, lifted upon a pedestal they never truly stood upon in life. Of course, who am I to speak? I, who have not yet faced the grief of a dearly loved one?
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Live in the moment, they say. Eight pm on October 27, 2005 will never exist again, not for all eternity in this physical realm will this day and this time ever
be once more. Thus, they say also to use your time wisely, to not waste a single second. Oh, but I could go on forever with common-sense aphorisms without ever truly understanding a single one. To this day, I cannot truly say that I comprehend any of them, or rather that I can in thought but never in action. Just so, the pinnacle of human achievement would then be the perfect union of thought and action, with thought preceding action, of course, not action preceding thought. I suppose I digress, but what was my point? I can't recall.
Thoughts
A torrent of overwhelming sadness has flooded my entire being of a sudden, and I can't say why or how or even what. I can always resort to pointing my accusatory finger at hormones, which do, more often than not, play a role in my moodiness, but more recently I've found my lack of sleep and increasing self-hatred to be the ready culprits. Lack of sleep...that's self-explanatory, really. But self-hatred? I've become one of those people I always laughed at--no, that I still do laugh at. The people with sculpted smiles and tears running down their lungs and they can't feel their shredded insides because the surgeon gave them too much anasthesia and only their eyes are working and that mouth, oh! that wicked mouth, that keeps smiling. The people who try because they want that elusive mark of approval from others--in fact, from anyone and everyone but themselves.
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I've always regarded a person's motives as the true indicator of his/her integrity and honor. Now I see my own detioriorating before my very own eyes, sinking beneath the torrent of falsehoods that is the blind opinion of my parents and my peers. How I loathe that word--peer! It speaks of equality, of brotherhood and sisterhood, in short, of another high and lofty man-made ideal that simply does not exist upon this despicable human-infested island.
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I'm tired, and I have an AP Physics test tomorrow that I need to ace. But that I'm not going to.
Good Night, and Good Luck
I really don't know how to start this post, so I'm just going to write what I feel right now. I'm not sure I want to elucidate pain with eloquence, although I suppose that's paying too high of a compliment to my abilities. Today's been an odd day, because I never knew I could experience that much pain and still look okay to most people. Well, come to think of it, I never knew I could feel that much pain. Period. I suppose I ought to be glad it wasn't appendicitis, but mostly I'm just really tired and really annoyed by the amount of homework I'm supposed to be working on and really unhappy over the prospect of needing to drag my tormented body to school tomorrow morning. How much of a fight are you expected to put up in the end? Tomorrow, no matter how much pain I'm in, I'm going to act normal. I think it helps. I'm very dizzy right now. Okay. I'm being reduced to simple sentences. Time to stop.
