Transcendentalism
Oh! to rise above the mundane, the plain, the life-draining banality, the pointless purposes! To be--truly
be. To transcend all and exist above all! That--that alone--would be the epitome of life here on Earth. That sweet, sweet elixir of liberation from these shackles of Conformity and Hate and Reality discovered only by the most determined...
And yet, in their grand philosophy exists an inherent hypocrisy. What is life without human connection? What connection forms between a demi-god and a common, crushed mortal? Transcendentalism, then, calls for detachment. Or freedom. Choose which word you will; they mean the same thing. Detachment from
living, from struggle, from question. It speaks of a freedom bought at the price of textured experience, of ups
and downs; after all, there is no such thing as a free lunch for anyone...
Loss
What is life without expression? It frightens me that I can no longer translate my thoughts to writing, as if my tongue had been slowly cut into useless shreds without my knowing, or a wool blanket mercilessly lowered upon my mind. I keep expecting milk and honey on my little lead-lined spoon but end up with dry sand and pebbles in my mouth.
Condemnation
It's so easy to let people bring you down. So easy to let go. So easy to let the torrent of hatred and madness and blind idiocy overwhelm and conquer the tired heart. If only it were not so! If only the human spirit were that lone skeleton in the woods that needs no shoulder to lean on. Oh! but even a shadow needs a body to cling to! I'm nearly mad, not with rage or frustration or sadness; just insanity. I need to run away one morning and never return, not out of spite but out of cowardice and fear and exhaustion. I don't know what to do anymore. Or what to say. Or what to be. I don't know what to think. I can tell you the equation to calculate the inital position of a projectile, given the final position, acceleration, and velocity. I can tell you the facts in circulation about the Scott Dyleski case. I can tell you what vitamins are found in almonds! But I don't know anything about everything important. I don't know why life is so difficult at times. Or why people grow up to be complete fools despite "excellent" schooling. I don't know why people are pretentious or nervous or idiotic or gracious. I just don't know. What I do know, though, is that I'm tired. And that I've been tired for a very long time now. And I don't want to be tired anymore.
